It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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