i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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