just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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