So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This is the high leading the old right now
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
