I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
