He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
