Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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