Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
