I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
