Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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