don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
