I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
