I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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