You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
