My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
