if you like me you must not know who I am
its not stalking. its research.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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