Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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