just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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