I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
