I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
