believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
