we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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