she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
