I'm passing your future prison.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
