Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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