when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
