I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You dont lie about slip and slides
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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