I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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