I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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