I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
