No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
