Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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