What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
