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rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sex in the backyard? Check.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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