You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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