Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
