What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
