I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
