is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
