and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
