Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
not ubering you a puppy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
