you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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