Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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