omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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