I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
