Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
