I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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