I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
