:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
