Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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