Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
